If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
why am I working on Labor Day
Now, where’s the sport in that?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*