I mean…but I did
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
A small tragedy.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.