I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
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Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Yup
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.