The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.