Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Mouse
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
oh my god
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Yup.