bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
respect
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Meow
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Every time.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all