my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
You Might Also Like
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge