I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m awake but I object,
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
best review i’ve ever seen
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now