I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Perfection.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Growing up was a huge mistake