Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?