Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.