When you kidnap a writer.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
*puts words between two asterisks*
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
no one likes gloating
Ha.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring