I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Thursday Thought.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”