Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.