Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again