While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The struggle is real.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors