Mad Max Arctic Road
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
hmmm
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work