Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
You Might Also Like
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.