Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Ferrari squats
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
That’s classic.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing