Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!