Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
me logging onto twitter
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great