“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.