Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.