“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.