I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
New comic up. “Ransom”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits