Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?