My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though