Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
You Might Also Like
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.