In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
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Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Yup.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital