CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Ron is short for Aaronald
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
this has done me in for some reason
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?