Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.