“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards