Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
August 8
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
How all things should be taught/explained.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?