[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower