*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
President The Rock Obama
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.