Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
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My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Breaking news:
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“What movie?” 🤔