The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’