Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.