Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
You Might Also Like
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.