Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Happy Thanksgiving
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top