[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.