it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.