My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Love is always patient and kind.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.