me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.