My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.