KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS