Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
thanksgiving should be called feaster
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?