GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
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Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
uh oh
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.