Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
he’s doing your taxes
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁