Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
The Weeknd is back
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said